Maybe you have realised you don’t have a community you can rely on, and that’s something you want to improve on this year. Or you want to rebuild connections that you previously had, and have just lost the ability to maintain them. Well, hopefully this post helps.

It definitely takes time to build this from scratch, but looking back, I am so grateful i took the time to build a village for me, and to be part of their villages too

What is the point of a village

It’s a group of people that you can trust to call upon if you need help. Not only that, but they are also people you are comfortable hanging out with beyond yourself. The aim of having a village is that you support each other, out of love and appreciation for each other, and not necessarily out of obligation. They are not necessarily platonic friends; your village can also be composed of family members. The point is that you naturally want to be there (when possible) and feel good for still being there for/with them.

Where do you find the village

Emotional and mental village

Like I said, it doesn’t have to be your friends, your family can also be part of your village. You find your village in the small things. Your village is handy to have close by, but other members are also handy from a distance. These are part of your emotional and mental village, rather than the ‘physically present’ village members. They make time for you and you for them when you need a chat. You may not talk often, but when you do, they are there for it all. For me, I found these village members in secondary school and university. We are dotted around in various locations, but we catch up as often as we can.

Physically present village

My ‘physically present’ members are people local to me. Most of them are the friends I have made along in my career. We catch up more regularly (i.e. monthly) and are more available to be involved in each other’s lives. There are also a few of my family members who I check in with and are naturally part of my village.

How to find new village members

You do have to put yourself out there and make yourself known to be present and help people, without the expectation that they will help back. Now, I’m not saying commit to doing a kind act every week or doing a repeat activity for someone. But every once in a while, if you see someone in a tough position, that you can assist on (and have the room for), there is nothing wrong/weird about offering that olive branch. Most people tend to be grateful and be interested to get to know you. As that grows, the kind gestures and offers, become natural extensions with minimal expectations.

How to maintain the village

This is the hard part, and the part that tests the strength of the bonds you made in your village. Every member will fulfil a different purpose, so you can’t expect all members to deliver the same kind of support, and thus you can’t expect to just do one act for all of the village.

To maintain your village you need to feed it and look after it and let it exist independently of you. Feed it and look after it, is probably easy to understand. Offer support where you can, and being thankful when it supports you is pretty easy and mostly natural for most people. Letting it exist, is to respect that everyone in your village has their own lives to lead. Their world does not revolve around you, but you are a part of it, that they care about. So, you don’t need to check in on every village member every day. Just periodic ones, to remind them that you are there for them, and also that you value them in your life.

How I let my village exist, is by embracing how much of a home body I am. Several moments in the year, I will choose to essentially self-isolate. I love spending time alone and it means I can dedicate time to the blog and the socials. But, once a month or once every 2-3 months (depending on the village members) I check in with them. My local village we go out for friendship dates. My long distance village we get a long phone call sesh. Each member/group gets about 2 hours of my time. With it distributed over a 1-3 month period, it doesn’t feel like I am impeding on my life and their lives. But it allows us to remember we are there for each other. We can get lost in our lives, and feel like we are alone. So, it’s good that every once in a while, we are reminded that we are not alone. That we have a village, we value and that values us.

It’s so wholesome.🥰

TL;DR

- Village members can be friends and/or family members

- Being part of a village requires some sacrifice, but it’s a sacrifice that you will be happy to make for that person

- Building a village takes a time investment, sometimes a financial investment and an emotional investment.

- Once you have built a village, you need to feed it, look after it and let it exist independently of you.

- Building and being part of a village is hard work, but it’s a wholesome feeling, knowing that there are people out there (near and far) who are there for you, and care for you, out of genuine love and value and beyond obligations.

How to build and become the village you want