I don’t know what I’m doing…and it feels like I’m failing
It’s weird. We go to school to learn. In my case (and probably in many others) my parents told me to strive to be the best. The one that knows it all with minimal to 0 struggle. So, no wonder adulting is something incredibly horrifying to experience, for the rest of your life. School didn’t prepare me for this, in the slightest. Instead, I got an incredible sense of delusion, that I can actually do something with the textbook knowledge I have. And even then, my brain purged 99% of the stuff I learnt in my education. I really don’t know what I’m doing, something feels wrong and it feels like I’m failing.
Literally me most days
So…
That was an interesting introduction. I really am not enjoying adulting right now. Normally, I am treading water. Lately, my head barely has enough time above the surface, to let me catch a breath. I aim that when you read my posts, you feel entertained, enlightened and maybe a little bit relatable. But quite frankly, today is not it.
What’s going on?
I am not telling you. You do not need the juicy stuff of my life. And thankfully since this is my platform, I decide what I am willing to share. However, I will not gatekeep on how I intend to recover over the next coming months. Yes…months.
Problem A
There are personalities you will not get along with, and that is fine.
My new job is going ok. I really enjoy the work, but the dynamic between myself and the team is not so favourable. It’s not bad or harmful, it’s just not something I could see myself tolerating in the long term. There are personalities I don’t mesh with. They project a lot of their anxiety around me, and I am not a fan of that. All our problems were made by humans, so what makes you think staying extra hours is going to solve anything? But maybe I’m just cynical, or my priorities on what I spend my time worrying about are vastly different to these people. We do not conflict in the office, but I would much rather limit how much I see and interact with them. So, I have had a few thoughts on what I should do:
1. Talk to the people, and see if we can resolve our personality clashes.
2. I leave.
3. I don’t do anything about it.
Now, as a healed adult, option 1 makes sense. Except, I don’t like their personalities, so unless the conclusion is they change their personality, then that’s not a solution. Pretty sure that’s a form of workplace bullying. Number 2 is doable, it’s just that I should wait, since I only joined them about 3 months ago. Number 3 is unsustainable and detrimental to my mental health, and quite frankly life is too short to stick around people who just don’t make it better. So, my solution is to come up with an exit plan. Currently working with 2028, but if things get rough, 12 months in the job is not too bad. We shall see when I eventually do it. 😉
Problem B
Put on your mask first, before helping others.
I’m currently going through a mini-family crisis, and it’s with a cousin. As Zimbabwean culture is pretty ‘family is everything’-centric, there is a responsibility pinned on me as an adult with a full-time job. Except, I didn’t put my cousin in that situation. The expectation for me to help was pinned on me, before I was asked to help. So, do I need to? It’s giving ‘Not my circus, not my monkey’ vibes. But culture says this is my circus. So, how does one balance the generational expectations of culture and tradition, with my own autonomous mindset?
Put on your mask first, before helping others. Duh.
I can only help someone where and when I am capable. I’m sorry but if you have put yourself in a situation, and need my help, and I have 0 ability to help – what do you think I’m going to do? My hands are tied, and I have no option but to watch the events unfold. It’s a difficult position to be in, and I wasn’t planning to be in a position like this for at least a decade. There is also the question of, if I helped put your mask on, but then I couldn’t get mine on, would you help/be able to help me?
The thing is, sometimes the situation is that they wouldn’t be able to help back. And that is the unfortunate circumstance of the world that we live in. There are people in our circles who will never be able to scratch your back, for whatever reason. But that’s why we build our own circles of people we can trust. Who we can help, and they will help back. It’s not selfish to consider it this way, because at the end of the day, if you don’t put on your mask first, do they have anyone else to turn to? If not, then PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST!
So, yeah. For now, I gave them emotional support. I may consider in the coming months some financial support. I can’t just ignore them, unless I choose to cut off my entire family (which is way too complicated and I’m not ready for that). So, this is how I am handling it, and we shall see how the future plays out.
Well,
Adulting is a long game. There are aspects that are short, easily timed and you can manage. But most things are a waiting game. You need to see how the future plays itself out. You kind of need to have a little bit of resilience in you, to be prepared for whatever the future throws at you. Then again, you will never be prepared, because we can’t predict the future. And trust me, there are somethings you think that will never happen, that will literally smack you in the face on a Sunday afternoon. 🤣
You are not failing. I believe in you
TL;DR
- Currently my life is crumbling, and I used this post to rationalise my thoughts. We shall see in the future how events happen compared to what I prepared for.
- There are personalities you will not get along with, and that is fine – Everyone doesn’t have to like you, and most importantly; you don’t have to like everyone (you can just like me🥰)
- Put on your mask first, before helping other – If there is one thing generational trauma didn’t teach me, it’s this. Remember: if you can’t help them, and they don’t have anyone else to go to, then your sacrifice was a waste.
- Adulting is a waiting game. You’re waiting to see how the future will play with you, and tests your resilience against everything.
- It feels like for a long time, you can barely get to the surface to catch a breath. But you’re not alone, we are all unprepared for what the universe throws at us. You’re not failing, if you’re struggling. 💛
