How to make friends as an adult
One of the biggest cons about adulting is relationships. As kids we were dupped that we could create and maintain relationships. But the thing is, schools and rigorous play timetables, forced us into proximity with people, hence why we became friends. But what happens when there is no force pushing you to be around new people?
“Making friends is hard as an adult”
This statement is said a lot, especially by us newbie beginner adults (fresh out of education). And the sad thing is that it’s true. Not all of us are able to stay in the location we grew up in, or where we went to uni, because sometimes the job takes us to new places. Circumstances change the location, and all of a sudden, you’re in a new place, with no idea who anyone is, and you’re isolated.
First and foremost, it’s normal and this is ok. This has happened to a lot of us, including me and sadly it’s our responsibility to go out and make those friendships. Because the perfect friend is not just going to knock on your door, and you instantly bond.
Back in the day, when it was so much easier to make friends
How to make friends
Step 1 Establish your likes and dislikes.
You can bond with people on similar likes AND dislikes. One way to get a long with coworkers is if you both don’t like the same coworker, because they give you a ‘weird vibe’. You might not share major similarities, but that’s a bond at least in the workplace. You just need to get your footing.
Note
Just because you have bonded with someone, it does not mean you start planning weekly hangouts, it just means you have a thing in common. Don’t force it into a realm that it’s not meant for. If you get along in the workplace, keep it in the workplace (work friend), and if it naturally comes outside of work, then hey presto! You have made a friend.
Step 2 Engage with people who pique your interest
I whole heartedly agree that not everybody has to like me, and thus I don’t have to like everybody. Because of this, I can tell in a room, which people I am naturally drawn to (even if I don’t know them or ever interacted with them) and who I want to keep my distance from. This is just based on an energy they have, and how it makes me feel.
Go and talk to those who pique your interest. Pick up on something they have said and go with it. If they don’t say much, think of describing your surroundings and see if they agree, like “Wow, it’s really busy at this event. When I signed up, I didn’t think it was well advertised, how did you hear about it?” If they are in a chatty mood, they will mention some details that you can pick up and carry a conversation with. If not, that’s ok, politely move on to the next person.
Note
Just because you have a bad vibe about someone, doesn’t mean you should dismiss them before you properly meet them. A feeling is a feeling, but it’s not always true. If that person approaches you, give them a shot, and if you still feel uncomfortable, you can write them off as someone that gives you an ‘off’ vibe.
Step 3 Put in the effort
To maintain a friendship, both of you have to put in some effort. This is time invested to understand a bit more about each other’s commitments, drives and expectations for a friendship. I don’t mean have a discussion (you can if you want), but if you have each other’s numbers or social media, test the waters with a meme or a message. Maybe even consider planning a friendship date, where you go for food or drinks, and see if that friendship is viable.
Note
The reason I suggest you test the viability is because, the excitement of making a friend can overshadow the expectations for friendship. You might not notice that someone wants a friendship where they see you frequently and talk daily. Others might be more low maintenance and distant. But without putting in effort to investigate this at the start, you leave room for accidental resentment and confusion on the boundaries of your friendship.
Step 4 Learn your friendship style
I don’t know about you, but I have different friendship styles for my friends. My long-distance friends, I talk to them on average once every 1-2 months, and I see them once a year. My more local friends, it varies. I got friends from exercise classes, who I see once a week, but talk to as frequently as my long-distance friends. Then there are friends who I hang out with socially, and we talk and hangout about once every two weeks. Then there are work friends (friends from work, but I don’t work with them), who I see twice a year, and chat just as frequently as we meet.
There are a couple friends who fall in more grey areas, but this is how I manage my friendships. I’m someone who believes they are a low maintenance friend. Honestly, I could go months not seeing or talking to my friends, but when we do talk, I enjoy them. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, and if they needed me, I would be there at the drop of a hat. But I don’t need to see or chat to them every day, to keep the friendship membership.
Friendship dates are fun, when you have friends to go with
How did I make friends
When I moved for my job, I made friends with someone on my cohort. We saw each other frequently, and I realised a little late that I didn’t enjoy seeing them that often. I am not a ‘see or hear from me daily’ kind of friend. Safe to say that first friendship died a horrible death. They got mad at me for being distant and seeming to not put in the effort that they were expecting in a friend. And I was confused why they wanted to hang out and interact so much. Turns out if I had learnt my friendship style, I would have been able to explain to them why I was the way I was. And maybe they wouldn’t have kept me as a friend in the first place, because my effort in friendship was drastically different from theirs. (That would have saved me from the friendship breakup we had).
Either way, after that I didn’t make new friends for another year, until a work friend bull dozed herself into my real friend. Following then, I got more involved in local projects to meet new people, and I made a new friend there. I also spent days gossiping about work with an ex-coworker, who now is a dear friend, that I still gossip with. Social events led to more friendships, which were forged over the simplest of reasons. I made a new friend one night because we realised, we were both born in 1999. I went for lunch with her once, and now we have brunches and afternoon teas every 3 months. I made another friend because they love geography, and my country of origin was an interesting topic for them.
Following on from those friendships, they added me into their groups, and I met more people. 2 years on from that bull dozing work friend, I have a thriving social circle, and it’s all from following those simple steps. It’s hard and not every interaction will result in a friendship, but when it happens and that friendship solidifies, the effort is all worth it.
TL;DR
- Making friends is hard as an adult, that’s a given but there are some steps you can take to make the journey to friendship seem less daunting.
- Step 1 Establish your likes and dislikes.
- Step 2 Engage with people who pique your interest
- Step 3 Put in the effort
- Step 4 Learn your friendship style
- Not everybody has to like me, and thus I don’t have to like everybody ~ Me
